Friday, March 02, 2007

Top Ten Ways to Get a Geek to Help...

In my browsing around the web and doing computer tech work for the past ten years, I've come across some truths in this world... relating to Geeks of course. Therefore, I intend to share my knowledge of how to actually get a geek to help you out when you need it.

  • 0x0A - Ask Them
    • This may sound completely insane, but sometimes you can actually get help from a Geek if you ask nicely. Usually, you can pick out the Alpha Geek easily with this tactic as (s)he will usually make some sound resembling a cackle and roll their eyes. Beta Geeks will mumble something about being too busy and walk away. Then you get to the Gamma(wanna-be) Geeks. Sure, it won't be the best Geek in the world to get your task done, but something at least will happen.
  • 0x09 - Threaten Them
    • This is only slightly better than the 0x0A approach. Mainly all this will accomplish is motivating the Beta Geek to get something done for you, if begrudgingly. However, expect a snide remark from an Alpha Geek, and you will most likely get a "deer-in-headlights" look from the Gamma Geeks.
  • 0x08 - Pay Them
    • As much as Geeks say they do it as a hobby, everyone likes money. Depending on the amount offered, you could easily net you an Alpha Geek.
  • 0x07 - Buy Food for Them
    • As much as Geeks like money, they like free things even more. Even if the free things are utter CRAP, it's like Geek Gold. Food however, is about an average-level enticement. Therefore, expect Gamma - Beta Geeks to be enticed.
  • 0x06 - Give Old Computer Parts to Them
    • Following on the same line of thought, this is a Gamma - (low-rent)Alpha Geek enticement. The only reason I say low-rent is that an Alpha Geek will most likely already own a small shed that does nothing but act as their spare parts bin.
  • 0x05 - Tell Them You Can Do Something, and then Screw Up
    • Now that we're past the NORMAL enticements, you need to understand something about Geeks. They love to show their superior knowledge about all things Tech. Therefore, if you don't want to take the direct approach with bribes, you need to appeal to another facet of the Geek's personality: Inferiority Complexes that are masked by in-depth knowledge of tech. So as the title suggests, tell the (Gamma - Beta) Geek all about this handy trick you just learned and how you want to show it off. Then as they are intently watching, intentionally do EVERYTHING wrong, and say, "Well it worked on that old Penturiam 98 Box downstairs... why doesn't it work here?" At this point, stand back and let the Geek get to work.
  • 0x04 - Buy Beer for Them (Legal ages only, please)
    • Ahh, now we're GETTING somewhere! About the only thing better than an all night-programming session is having a pack of frosty beverages to help "get you in the zone". This tactic will likely net you the big one, an Alpha Geek. Although, it does help to know what level your Geek is; therefore, be sure to use tactic 0x0A to figure out who is the Alpha Geek.
  • 0x03 - Tell Them That There's No Way They Can Do Something
    • The only thing an Alpha Geek likes better than beer or showing off what they know is a challenge, especially when you single them out in front of others to say they can't do something. If nothing else, the Geek will get it done out of SPITE. They will then make it known they did it out of spite and in a really loud manner. Be prepared to take a bit of diatribe at this point.
  • 0x02 - Be a Member of the Opposite Sex
    • Geeks need luvin too.... Even if there's no chance of it happening
  • 0x01 - Be a HOT Member of the Opposite Sex
    • Seriously, did you really think you were gonna get a date out of it?

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